Friday, July 31, 2009

Mico nudocapite

Hot Slut Of The Day!

Knödel, the week-old bald platina marmoset at the Berlin Zoo! Bald platina marmosets hail from the hottest (and sluttiest) part of the Amazon basin, which explains why their hair is thin enough in places to give the illusion that Kate Gosselin raided the poor bitches for spare possum parts. Their visible fur, on the other hand, comes in luxuriant wisps of spun silver, doubtless bestowed by the same good fairy who once queefed on Silver Fox Anderson Cooper’s precious dome(s).

Anymustmentionmahboowheneverpossible, those animal rights-types who prattled about putting Knut down are suffering extreme pantytorsion over Knödel’s offbeat approach to marmosettery. A spokeswhore is on record complaining that Knödel was born with weak eyesight, which would never fly in the wild for his kind, so his good times are already too “unnatural” for these dumb hos. More fuckery: he won’t get with his species’ nocturnal program and always starts shaking his no-no around at the crack of dawn — and this, we’re told, is also wrong, wrong, wrong.

I don’t see a problem here at all. Knödel just takes care of shit his way! Bitch probably wants to get served some delicious breakfast cereal, preferably with colorful chunks of toon-shaped flavor. Bitch knows that looking at bright, shiny things provides good exercise for those peepers. This also applies to the exploding rainbow that is morning television, and… Hey wait – this is in Europe, so the time difference would make AC360 a morning show, right? Bingo! Knödel’s ass is on schedule.

Retrieved from on 2009-8-2.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Rheum amarissimus

• To regulate their body temperature, BIJOU PARACHUTE GECKOS routinely direct their freefall to the spacious leaves of the water-retaining COELOBONESE RHUBARB in hopes of a cool bath.

• In the absence of recent rainfall, the usually slick cuticle of the plant adopts a tacky, adhesive texture and clings to the lizards, many of which give up their tails while escaping.

• The minuscule tails are eventually flushed into the soil, where once-dormant parasitic worms (ASIAN PLANT FLUKES, or Schistosoma coelobonesis) erupt from the scales and burrow into the tender roots of the AUSTRONESIAN JUNGLE TRILLIUM (usually found in the vicinity).

• Infected trillium blossoms develop “bloodshot” petals with vibrant colors that attract MALAYSIAN WAXWINGS, which eat the flowers.

• The flowers’ astringent properties play havoc with the birds’ organs, culminating in enormous bladder stones.

• In the final stages, a pain-crazed waxwing is likely to hurtle itself, kamikaze-fashion, against the forest floor. Urinary minerals released from the bird’s decaying carcass will imbue the soil with the parasorbic acid needed to prime Coelobonese rhubarb seeds into germination.

Retrieved from The Natural History Museum Online Host-Parasite Database, July 2009.